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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What have we done to bring this version of Groundhog Day on ourselves? What sin has made us fated to this loathsome rerun of a year? Let's think this through:  

  • Ruining the Planet? This seems like a big one, but we have to be consciously aware of our sin, do we not? Ok, many of our brothers and sisters have been brainwashed to believe the planet will heal itself no matter what havoc we wreak upon her. And the rest of us? Oh, sure, we recycle...some, and carry around a reusable straw we forget is in our backpack. And I drive a hybrid because a girl who smelled like patchouli but had a tight ass smiled at me in a Toyota dealership while I was looking at the first-generation Prius. This isn't it.

  • War? We do seem to like killing each other, either because you are worshipping the wrong god, or because I covet my brother's Texas-sized oil fields. Or maybe we can't figure out who the bad guys are anymore. But this has been going on since our newly-opposable thumbs were digging out our neighbor's eyes (he really shouldn't have set up camp right on an oil field). Not this one.

  • History. This is the one, isn't it? George Santayana got us again, you sexually ambiguous minx, you.

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So how did Phil Connors get out of his Groundhog Day? It wasn't the ice sculpture (using a chain saw? If he lopped off a hand, would it grow back in time for 6AM with Sonny and Cher?) It wasn't learning to play the piano (but, really, all of that time, and no one thought to teach him how to use the sustain pedal?!?) It was that he performed good acts to prove to the universe he had changed.

So all we have to do is study 4000 years of human history, synthesize it into political, social, ethical and moral lessons; digest these; revamp how we parent and educate; and in a few quick centuries, we can be out of this cycle?  Sounds.....like maybe a shortcut is needed:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 

Ahhhh...that's better. Let's talk movies!

This Year's Fun Facts:

  • 13 of this year's nominees are wywal wiśnię -- their first Red Carpet Rodeo

  • The average age of a nominee is over 30 years, likely dragged up the abacus by Scorcese (81), DeNiro (80) and that musical Methuseluh, John Williams (92). I'd like to tell you this makes me feel younger, but really, it just reminds me that I'm going to work until I die.

  • ​Jimmy Kimmel is hosting for the 4th time. He has plenty of time to catch Bob Hope's record of 19. Hope hosted his last ceremony when he was 78. Kimmel has until 2045 to host his 20th, then run for President in 2048. (USA! USA!)

  • Sharing is Swearing

    • I effectively grew up an only child (my brother was 15 years older and in Vietnam by the time I was 6). This means I usually got the last Mrs. Paul's Mystery Stick or the Or-Ida-Made-These frozen fries without competition. But when I got my first decent paying job -- waiter at the Sheraton in Bordentown -- I learned what I was missing, starting with Big Diane (an Amazonian bottle blonde who stirred the marachino cherries with her hands so she could make "period" jokes to embarass the teenage boys, me particularly). I needed something behind the bar while she was in the Ladies' room, and when she saw me I got the first of many "GLENN--GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY [whatever-it-is-my-customer-needed]". So with that pathology in mind, here's why I'm not tickled over dual nominees who are also couples outside of their careers:

    • Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach are jointly nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay for Barbie. This was widely reported to be "their first joint nomination", which clearly leads Baumbach to expect a piece of all of Greta's future hardware. This would be like Noah laying claim to half of Greta's Magic Wand. We all know she did most of the writing, adapted or original (more on this later) -- it's a Barbie movie. Or did Noah demand half-ownership of his friends' plastic dolls in Brooklyn? Stick with Wes Anderson, Mr. Baumbach -- Royal Tennenbaums and Fantastic Mr. Fox were a fuckton better than Marriage Story (a good example of people who couldn't share!)

    • Margo Robbie and Tom Ackerley might share statues if Barbie wins Best Picture. Again, we know this was all Ms. Robbie. Tom asking for half would be like Dr. Jill Biden taking credit for...scratch that. Maybe I'll think of a better example.

    • And Christopher Nolan and Emma Thomas apparently share everything, as she is "co" on all of his movies. I'm sure she is fantastic, and I feel as good for her as I did for our slow-pitch softball pitchers who made the newspaper article for notching a win when our team won 24-8.

  • The Average Length of a Nominated Movie: 138 minutes

    • And, like the age KPI, we've got some 400 pound NJ-based hackers in the mix, led by Killers of a Saturday Afternoon and Evening, clocking in at 3-hours-plus-7-snack-and-bathroom-breaks. PLEASE, no Directors' cut. I need my weekends.​

  • SNUBS​

    • I'm not having it. This is a strong year. I can make a solid case that ​these would be worthy winners in any year:

      • All five Directors​

      • All ten Screen Play nominees (no apologies to you shareable couples)

      • All five Best Actors and four of the five Best Actresses (with some apologies to Ms. Mulligan) and all of the Supporting people

    • The fact that you finished 6th or worse is a reflection of the competition, not a Jersey Salute from th Academy​​​

      • [Ed. Note: What is wrong with this country?!? Google search for images with the word snub. SMDH]​

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So we've proven we don't learn from history. Let's think about the guidance we can take from this year's best movies:

Details on my preferences for winners and inane details are on other pages. Do note the hover-over responses on some of the pages -- well-meaning old man on the left, not-so-well-meaning old man on the right. 

 

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